Strictly Off The Record
by R-I-C-A-R-D
Summary: Join Battle Space reporter Diana Allers for an exclusive 'behind the scenes' look at day to day life aboard the SR-2 Normandy. Warning: May contain traces of randomness, inanity and humour.
1. Chapter 1

**Strictly Off The Record**

**Shepard**

"If the members of the Defence Council weren't already dead, I'd happily kill them myself." The recently re-instated Spectre spoke calmly, sounding almost bored with the proceedings. Something must have shown on the reporter's face, some momentary lapse in her finely crafted on-camera persona. Shepard smirked at her, "Oh come on, Allers," the woman across from her scoffed, rolling her eyes, "You _do_know who you're interviewing, right?" Shepard gave the Battle Space reporter no time to answer, instead she leaned forward on the end of her bed. "Butcher of Torfan?"

Shepard had consented to the one on one interview with Diana Allers inside the captain's cabin aboard _Normandy_, "So no-one can interrupt your scoop," Shepard had said earlier. Despite her eagerness to interview the famous human woman, Allers now began to experience a gnawing sensation of doubt. Every journalist in the galaxy was aware of the time Shepard had, in her own words, _Lost my shit_and slugged Westerlund News reporter Khalisah Bint Sinan Al-Jilani...on no less than two separate occasions. On both occasions, the resultant footage had gone viral in a matter of minutes and in less than a day had been viewed by members of every species across Council space and the Terminus. Uploaded to YouFaceTwit*, the clip received a record number of hits, equalling the Elcor Hamlet Blooper Reel.

At the time, Allers believed the Al-Jilani woman had it coming; Westerlund News' top reporter had a reputation for asking 'the hard questions' and often went out of her way to provoke a reaction from her interviewees. Most of her interviewees broke down crying. Shepard had almost broken Al Jilani's jaw.

_And now I'm inside Shepard's cabin with nobody to come running if Shepard loses her shit with me_ was but one of the many thoughts flitting through Diana's head, brought on by Shepard's frank admission that she'd be happy to murder the people in charge of Earth's overall defences. If the Reapers hadn't killed them all first, that was. With most people, Allers would have assumed Shepard's words were pure hyperbole. But Shepard...the Spectre was infamous for doing things others might think about doing but would never, _ever _do.

Presently, Allers recovered herself. "Commander, surely that's a little extreme? The Defence Council-"

Shepard cut her off, "Ignored me. I told them and _told them_ the Reapers were coming." The Spectre blew out an exasperated breath, "But would they listen? Instead they grounded my ship and confined me to quarters for _six months."_Shepard's voice began to rise and she made a visible effort to calm herself, Allers was relieved to see.

Diana glanced at a datapad held in one hand, containing her notes and questions she wished to put to Shepard. "According to sources in the Alliance, your superiors grounded you after working for Cerberus."

Shepard gave another eye roll. "_With_," Shepard emphasised the word. "I was working _with_Cerberus. To stop the abductions of our colonists in the Terminus." A dim amber glow was now visible around the irises of Shepard's eyes and Allers was discomfited to see amber traceries glowing just beneath the other woman's cheeks. The other crew aboard the Alliance frigate had warned Diana about the glowing. "When Shepard's face lights up, that would be a good time to wrap things up," the turian had advised her.

The Alliance Network News reporter feigned a sudden interest in her omni-tool's chrono. "Oh...I apologise, Commander, I just remembered I have an interview lined up with another of your crew."

Shepard eyed her silently for a few moments, as though weighing the truthfulness or otherwise of her words. Allers schooled her features into a pleasantly neutral expression and calmly met her gaze. _Two can play at that game, Commander. _Aside from the scars – handily indicative of Shepard's mood though they were – Commander Shepard was a devastatingly attractive woman and, if shipboard scuttlebutt was even half-accurate, changed sexual partners about as often as most people changed clothes. Men, women, asari, turians, even a hanar if the stories were accurate.

Diana herself believed the tales of Shepard's sexual escapades were one part pure fantasy, one part semi-accurate and eight parts somebody trying to make a credit out of selling their alleged encounters with Shepard to the tabloid media. _My Night of Wild Passion with Commander Shepard_, complete with too-grainy footage of _somebody'_s naked body. The two years between Shepard's death and eventual return had witnessed a veritable cavalcade of former partners alleging to have indulged in all manner of things with the Saviour of the Citadel. Commander Shepard herself seemed content to maintain a dignified silence...except in her dealings with a certain Westerlund News reporter.

After a moment's more silence, Shepard nodded and waved a hand in dismissal. "Sure. I have things to take care of anyway."

She rose from the bed and walked Diana to the cabin door, past the fish tank.

"We'll talk more later," Shepard told her before the door slid shut.

_*In the future, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter will merge to become an all-consuming social media juggernaut and none will be spared. You have been warned._

**Cortez**

"Yo, Esteban!" Vega called from his station across the shuttle bay, "You got a visitor!"

Lieutenant Steve Cortez turned from his inspection of the Kodiak's port-side cannon mount as the reporter crossed the deck towards him, her camera drone hovering over her shoulder. The few other crewmen in the frigate's shuttle bay put aside their work and turned as one to observe the sway of Allers' hips. Though his tastes ran counter to theirs, Steve still appreciated a well put together body when he saw one and Allers' was almost as well put together as the Trident he'd flown earlier in his career. Vega, Steve could not help noticing, was making a show of lifting the massive dumbbells he kept in his corner of the shuttle bay, his muscles rippling beneath his shirt. Allers shot Vega a small smile as she arrived next to the shuttle.

"Ms Allers," Steve greeted her.

Diana smiled her most disarming smile, flashing perfect white teeth. "Call me Diana, please," she invited, and offered her hand.

After a moment's hesitation, Steve took her hand and nodded. "Lieutenant Cortez. Steve."

"A pleasure, Steve." Allers took a moment to look him over. Close up, his features had a slightly tired look to them as though he hadn't been getting enough sleep. Understandable, given the current situation. Despite that, Diana decided she liked what she saw – an honest man dealing with things the same as anybody else. Her viewers would relate to that she decided. For many of Battle Space's fans, Shepard would be the main draw card but even in the short time she'd been aboard the _Normandy, _Diana's fan mail indicated a desire to get to know the 'regular guys' of the ship.

"I was wondering if you wouldn't mind answering a few questions on camera, Steve. For the show?"

"Uh..." Steve hesitated. "I thought you were here for the Commander?"

"Among other things." Diana smiled her smile again. "But Battle Space isn't all about Commander Shepard, Steve. It's also about the men and women _behind_ her. The ones who keep the shuttle flying, for instance."  
Diana knew she'd hit the right button; Steve relaxed and smiled. "If you're sure. I can get carried away, talking about flying."

The reporter nodded encouragingly. "That's fine, Steve. Some of my viewers get right into the technical details." She paused before going on in a lower voice. "Turians...Turians are absolutely _nut s_about that kind of thing."

"Yeah," Steve replied, nodding. "You should talk to Garrus about the Thanix cannon."

"I might do that. Well, if you're ready?" When Steve nodded assent, she added. "Just act like the camera's not even here."  
Diana keyed her omni-tool and the camera hovered into position, lens whirring to keep her in focus. "This is Diana Allers, reporting for Battle Space. I'm in the shuttle bay of the SSV _Normandy,_ the ship at the very heart of our fight against the Reapers. With me is the _Normandy's_ shuttle pilot, Lieutenant Steve Cortez. Tell us a little about yourself."

"Well, as you said, I pilot the shuttle you can see behind me," as he spoke, Steve turned and pointed towards the brick-like Kodiak drop-shuttle. "That's the UT47-A Kodiak."

Before Diana could ask for more details, the pilot was off, "The A-variant of the Kodiak features a larger element zero core, meaning it's lighter and faster than a vessel of comparable size." He paused and Diana marvelled at how comfortable he seemed on camera, "She still handles like a brick, though." The reporter smiled and nodded encouragingly, not wanting to interrupt and break the flow. Steve slowly walked the length of the docked shuttle, Diana and the camera trailing along in his wake. "Aside from the larger drive core, the new Kodiak features a stealth system based on the _Normandy's _own design." He rubbed his stubbled jaw, producing a sand-papery sound. Apologetically, he added, "That's all classified, though."

Diana activated her omni-tool, and the camera focused in on the shuttle's cannon. "Tell our viewers about the firepower, Steve," she invited. _When this goes to air, every gun nut in Council space will be leaning forward in their seats_. Early on in her career as a war reporter, Diana learned most soldiers loved to talk about and show off their firearms.

The pilot laid a hand on the cannon. "This is the Ariake Technologies GX-19 'Vulcan.' Firing rate of a hundred rounds per second. The cannons give fire support to our ground forces as well as countering air-to-air threats mid-mission..."

_Fifteen minutes later_

"...and that's about it as far as the guns are concerned," Cortez finished with a smile.

Diana was impressed; Cortez had managed to rattle off the technical details her more extreme fanbase loved whilst maintaining an easy to grasp manner the rest of her viewers would appreciate. "Thanks a lot, Steve, that was fantastic."

**Garrus**

"Can it wait a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations."

**Author's Note:** So I've tried writing ME 3-inspired fanfic before but it hasn't worked. Then I decided to take a supporting character from the game and use her as an excuse to write stuff at random. More to come later. Or not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ken and Gabby**

After her fruitless attempt at interviewing Garrus Vakarian, Diana returned to the converted cargo hold masquerading as her quarters. _I've slept in worse places,_ she reminded herself as the doors slid shut behind her. _And hey, at least this time, nobody's shooting at me!_ Diana paused to kick off her shoes before falling back to the bed with a sigh. So far, her assignment was going well and, once the crew had a chance to get used to her presence, she was sure they would happily open up on camera. As a rookie journalist, _Everyone's got a story _was her first lesson. Deciding which ones to pursue, her second.

Feeling around on the mattress beside her, Diana's hand closed around her datapad. Connecting to the ship's wireless network, she checked her email. The first was from her producer, going on at great length about how _thrilled and delighted the entire team was _about her work so far. She sighed. Even when he was sincere, her producer was something of a tool; when he wasn't, she had to resist her body's powerful urges to strangle him. "Hmmm, maybe that's how Shepard felt, dealing with the politicians."

The next block of messages in her electronic inbox were from her fans. The tone of the messages invariably ranged from _Awww, that's sweet_ to _You sick freak!_ It wasn't just members of her own species expressing an unhealthy desire to see her naked, either – the last came from an elcor. Done with her mail for now, Diana sat upright, pulled on her shoes and straightened her hair. _Right. Next stop, engineering_.

The engineers were interesting to Diana from a journalistic point of view: Alliance personnel recruited into Cerberus and back in Alliance uniforms at a certain Spectre's behest. Diana lingered in the doorway to the drive core listening to the engineers' banter.

"So Gabby, what do you make of EDI's new body?" Ken asked.

"Oh God," Gabby sighed. "I _knew_ you'd get to that."

"Aren't you even a little curious?" the Scotsman replied.

Gabby gave the man a measured look as though trying to puzzle out the hidden meaning in his words. "About what?" she eventually asked.

"Is it..._anatomically_ _correct?" _He waved a hand at his own crotch. "You know?"

"That's sick, Kenneth!" Gabby snapped.

Diana pressed her lips into a thin line, fighting an urge to laugh. "I've wondered about that myself," she said. To date she'd only seen EDI's platform clad in a formfitting bodysuit. Definitely not Alliance standard issue; but neither was the body.

Ken and Gabby turned from their consoles. "Ms Allers," Ken's Scottish burr seemed to flow over her. "What can we do for you?"

"Do the two of you have time to record an interview for Battle Space?"

Kenneth grinned. "We'd love to! I was just saying to Gabby how much I love the show!"

Gabby folded her arms across her chest. "Actually, Kenneth was saying how much he loves watching _you_," she nodded to Diana. "With the sound turned off."

Diana nodded and the two women traded a look – _Men!_ "I get that a lot," she answered before activating her camera and microphone. Holding her right hand out of shot she silently counted down _three two one. _"It's no secret that many Cerberus personnel once served the Alliance. What made the two of you join Cerberus?"

The Scotsman took the question. "Shepard's great," he began, his accent seemingly becoming more pronounced, "And I won't hear a word said against her. After she died and the original _Normandy _was lost, a lot of Alliance personnel lost faith in the leadership, not just us."

"That's right," Gabby put in, "It was like the politicians and high command couldn't wait to dismiss all the Commander's warnings about the Reapers." The engineer glanced at Kenneth, "And Kenneth didn't hold back in defending her."

It was not without a certain amount of pride that Kenneth said, "They damn near court martialed me for insubordination."

"I guess that got the Illusive Man's attention." Gabby spoke in a low voice as though the Illusive Man was some blue-eyed bogeyman and speaking of him would summon him from the dimly lit corners of the sub-deck.

"Aye, that it did," Kenneth confirmed. "At the time, we didnae know just how screwed up Cerberus really was or how big a scunner the Illusive Man is. He drinks bourbon, you know?" Diana raised an eyebrow. Gabby shrugged. "_American _bourbon," Kenneth went on. "Trust me, a man's choice o' liquor says a lot about his character."

"And after Commander Shepard cut ties with Cerberus, what became of the crew?" Diana enquired.

"We got lucky," Gabby replied. "We turned ourselves over to the Alliance and they kept us locked down until they could arrange a trial." She paused. "And then the Reapers showed up."

Kenneth grinned, "Aye. And suddenly, nobody was interested in court martialing a couple o' engineers, not with Reapers on the march."

Gabby took up the story. "Anyway, orders came down from above to re-instate us both and have us assigned to the _Normandy. "_She added, "Commander Shepard pulled strings with the brass. She saved us."

Kenneth nodded, "And not for the first time, either. Those Collector bastards abducted the whole crew of the _Normandy,_ except for Joker. Shepard came and found us."

"The Commander has this reputation for being a real hard-ass," Gabby said, confirming what the galaxy at large already knew. "But we saw another side to her. She _cares _about the people under her command. If Operative Lawson had been in charge..."

"Miranda would have left pressed on, regardless of the cost," Kenneth put in. After a moment he added, "That slapper."

"So there's more to Commander Shepard than the reporter-punching maniac most of the public is familiar with?" Diana asked.

Ken and Gabby nodded their assent. "Oh aye," Ken answered.

"Definitely," Gabby added.

**Chakwas**

The _Normandy's _chief medical officer was more than happy to confirm the engineers' assertion that the woman oft referred to as the Butcher of Torfan possessed a softer side.

"Shepard is at great pains to conceal that aspect of herself from any potential threats, of course," the doctor explained. Diana had chosen to conduct the interview in surroundings the doctor was most comfortable in – her med bay. Diana herself, like most people she suspected, did not like hospitals. At all. "Don't the smells of antibacterial sprays and rubbing alcohol give you a headache?" the reporter had asked prior to conducting the interview.

"Heavens no," Chakwas answered. "I simply can't imagine life without the heady aroma of antibacterial sprays."

Diana couldn't be sure if the doctor was serious or not. "So you're saying Commander Shepard _isn't _really a borderline sociopath?"

Chakwas folded her arms and frowned at the reporter. "I would not be so quick to judge Commander Shepard's mental state, Ms Allers."

Diana felt herself squirm under the doctor's school-marmish rebuke. _Yeah, we're definitely editing that part out. _Chakwas elaborated on her earlier theme. "For those who earn her respect and trust, there is no stronger ally than Shepard. For her enemies however..." Chakwas trailed off, looking thoughtful. "I can't say I agree with everything she has done during her career, far from it, but she always has a reason for doing it. Usually, that reason is clear only to herself, but does that make it any less valid?"

"Food for thought, indeed," Diana replied. She glanced at her datapad. "Doctor, one of our viewers sent in a question for you, if you wouldn't mind?"

"Not at all."

"If the order came to abandon ship and you could take only one item with you to the escape pods, what would it be?"

The doctor's eyes crinkled up in an amused smile. "That would have to be my bottle of Serrice Ice brandy."

**Author's Note:** Inspiration for this chapter comes in part from an in-game conversation between Ken and Gabby with Ken referring to EDI's 'airbags.' And, according to Ken, the Illusive Man does indeed drink bourbon.


End file.
